Aphorisms for Our Age

By Alex Tzelnic

The wisdom of our ancestors should be cherished. Those ancient bags of bones earned their knowledge by suffering through eons of abhorrent hygiene, repulsive cuisine, and horrendous wifi. Thus we should totally preserve the sayings passed on down to us. But also, it might be time to tweak them. After all, our ancestors created these sayings in times of abhorrent…

Karmastry: Unlock the Secret of Your Past Lives

By Alex Tzelnic

I was recently targeted for an ad from a new company called Karmastry. In the same way that DNA testing maps out your genes, Karmastry provides a detailed karma analysis that maps out your past lives, shedding considerable light on otherwise unexplainable peculiarities. Naturally, I was intrigued. Karmastry sent me a surprisingly thorough questionnaire that took several hours to complete,…

How to Appear Enlightened in Public

By Alex Tzelnic

Contemplative practice is about seeing clearly. Perception is everything. Especially how others perceive you. Too often in practice we focus on abstract goals like compassion and wisdom, which is noble, but if there’s one thing you can control, it’s your image. Appearances are illusory, which is all the more reason to ensure your illusory appearance is one of the utmost…

Buddhist Yelp Reviews

By Alex Tzelnic

Reviews by Alex T. of Cambridge, MA Buddha – ⭐⭑⭑⭑⭑ Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: super rich guy leaves his wife and kids, goes on an insane diet, and then discovers the key to everything is chilling under a tree in the shade. Srsly? What about the wife? Buddhism – ⭐⭐⭐⭑⭑ Oh wait, there’s like a method…

Even Larry is a Lesson

By Alex Tzelnic

In spiritual practice, everyone is your teacher. Yes, including Larry, who sat next to you in the meditation hall, interrupting your single-pointed concentration with his strange stomach gurgling issues.

Introducing Medit8, a Super Traditional Meditation App

By Alex Tzelnic

Namaste and thank you for downloading Medit8, the most authentic Buddhist practice app on the market. The modern meditator faces an abundance of distraction unknown to the awakened ancestors. The only tweets Zen Master Dogen dealt with were those of the local avian population. Indian Buddhist Master Padmasambhava’s world wide web was codependent origination. And things were so boring during…